imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny