I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
the short answer to this question
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels