this is how life feels
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My time has come.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
This was a bad idea all around
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?