I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don鈥檛 know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who鈥檚 not proud of me
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
When I鈥檓 eating shared nachos I鈥檓 always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we鈥檝e talked about this
Me: *sighs* don鈥檛 wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can鈥檛 deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you鈥檙e probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it鈥檚 better not risk it.
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else鈥檚 kid for more than 4 hours.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we鈥檇 like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
girls don鈥檛 even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…