Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?