*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!