me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
You Might Also Like
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I think we should hear other voices.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams