I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
She: I like Cats
He:
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose