I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.