I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You Might Also Like
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hope this email finds you in a well
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?