[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.