this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
🛁
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?