Storm Tropical Storm
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”