The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.