*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me irl
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Not today. 😅
My life coach traded me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!