Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.