I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.