Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall