Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face