[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
You Might Also Like
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
You know…for fall…
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.