Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”