Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg