I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Never forget.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.