Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.