A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
You Might Also Like
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.