Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
let’s discuss
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.