*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.