People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Unexpected Judgment