Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
This took me a second..
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My what?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.