Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Perfect
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
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▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
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wash our hands
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