Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Snapes on a plane.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”