We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Why am I like this?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.