Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?