Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9