15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.