This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
nobody’s gonna understand
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12