I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista