Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Friends that check up on you >
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away