You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.