I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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why I oughta
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
you stereotypes are all alike
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush