me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Meeeee too!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.