i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
You Might Also Like
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.