I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
🙁
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.