When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
three things we don’t talk about
Isn’t
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.