Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
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Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?