What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Coffee is ready.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ibopfufen
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?