Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Wikigenius
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”