Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?