*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*