*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
(True)
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I love art.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need